By Vivian Oji
Miss D’s Property
So let me tell you a little about little Miss D, she’s a cute little diva. She can be lots of fun and a laugh a minute when she’s in a good mood and she embodies the word ‘DIVA’, when she’s in a terrible mood but no matter what mood Miss D is in, she never shares her mommy. I’m her property, scratch that I think she sees me as an extension of herself. So, you can imagine how ‘challenging’ being in relationships have been since I had Miss D.
Once when she was around 2 years-old, I met this fine sexy brother and we were hanging out for a few months, going out on dates and ‘just generally chilling’. The highest we did with being physically intimate was stealing a few kisses. So one day, Miss D and I decided to pay this brother a visit and hang out. After spending the whole day hanging out, Bros succeeded in persuading us to spend the night at his place. By 9pm Miss D was ready to crash for the night and Bros said we could all sleep in his room, and he brought a huge mattress from one of the other rooms and I laid Miss D down to sleep on it.
We were still up on his bed, talking, laughing and then kissing, touching, you know, just getting in the zone. Miss D was fast asleep on the other bed. Bros and I were on his bed, under the sheets, our clothes coming off, things getting heated we were about to ‘ahem’ do the deed.
Now let me tell you about Bros, he’s a tall, wiry, sexy, long-haired brother, if there is a smooching Olympics, Bros would win it. And his kisses, do not let me get started on his kisses, his kisses had the right amount of passion and finesse. Not too sloppy, like those brothers who want to slobber all over your face pretending that they are kissing you and not too aggressive like those guys who want to bite off your lips and chew it up as if it’s dinner time in cannibal land.
Anyway, things were progressing nicely and I was ‘feeling’ the boy, a pack of condoms had‘miraculously’ appeared on the bed and Bros has strapped on, just as he was positioning himself to consummate this romance and get the show on the road, I heard a loud ‘Mommy!’. Bros and I froze, giggling a little like naughty school kids, we tried to stay still under the sheets hoping she would not notice anything amiss but little Miss D was having none of that. She climbed down from the mattress and even though it’s dark we could she was making her way purposefully to the bed we were on, we started scrambling for our clothes, Bros for his boxer shorts, me for my T-shirt. Miss D marched straight to the bed, pulled off the sheets just as Bros pulled on his shorts, condom still firmly in place. With not so much as a glance in his direction, she plopped herself right on top of my chest, wrapped her chubby arms around my neck and went back to sleep. She did not even say a word.
After she slept off, I put her back on her mattress and went back in bed with Bros but as soon as things got heated she woke up and did the same thing again. We had three failed attempts that night and thankfully Bros had a sense of humour so he could see the comedy in the situation. I am not so sure he was amused about being kicked off the bed eventually though and going to sleep on the mattress while Miss D and I slept on the bed.
Eventually, Bros and I did get a chance to ermm, how did they used to say it in 1990s? ‘Knock the boots’ but Miss D was definitely not in the same town much less the same room. These days, when I have such assignations, I send the little princess off to Grandma’s for the weekend and I never introduce my flavour of the month to her. As far as Miss D knows, I’m hers and hers alone.
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Vivian Oji is a 30-something-year-old single mom who lives in Lagos. She runs a consultancy start-up where she encounters all kinds of individuals on the regular. She has a 4 year-old daughter called Miss D. This column is about her day to day life with little Miss D, sharing insight on the fun, challenges and triumphs of being a single mother to a somewhat precocious child.
