Elnathan John: Short Men Cause All The Trouble In The World

I will say again, as a presidential hopeful come 2015, I have nothing against small people. However, great writers before me have articulated the problem with short men. Ian Fleming, the writer of the James Bond novels, for example said of short men:

“They grew up from childhood with an inferiority complex. All their lives they would strive to be big – bigger than the others who had teased them as a child. Napoleon had been short, and Hitler. It was the short men that caused all the trouble in the world.”

Nasir El-rufai is on my mind. He was in the news again, this time taking a swipe at Asari Dokubo. He said: “Asari Dokubu is a thug. I do not compare myself with thugs.” I mean look at the man Nasir is challenging to a fight. At 6ft I would not push my fingers into Asari’s nose. But no, not Nasir. He could not even qualify the word ‘thug’ with something capable of cushioning the effect of his barb. I would’ve said something like, “Asari, a thug whose beard I envy greatly, differs greatly from my good self”. Sometimes I try to understand Nasir’s indefatigability in throwing sand in Jonathan’s garri and I just can’t. I think that at 4ft something, when you go through life having a conversation with people’s nipples, that has to affect you adversely.

Sanusi Lamido Sanusi has again insisted that the NNPC has stolen 20billion from Nigerians. The NNPC on its part has replied saying that these are ‘wild allegations’. Maybe Sanusi is right and our money is being stolen. But again maybe Sanusi just needs to attend more pool parties. Here is why. A pool party is very egalitarian. In the water, especially the deep end, you cannot tell who is tall and who is not. Thus the burden and frustration that comes from being Sanusi’s height is greatly reduced.

The SSS claims to have also arrested Asari this week. This came on the heels of accusations that before Nasir El-rufai was ‘invited’ and detained, he hadn’t said one tenth of what Asari had been saying for many months. Marilyn Ogar should tell us if Asari’s invitation was the same as Nasir’s. Or if it is just for show. Because for all I care Nasir could have been grilled in a hot room for hours while Asari might have been chilling with Marilyn having margaritas talking about why it is so hard to find fresh periwinkles in Abuja. Ok, so maybe Asari doesn’t drink margaritas but I just want to know.

So in a letter to the Goodluck Jonathan, Catholic archbishop Ignatius Kaigama said that the Same Sex Prohibition Act is a “clear indication of the ability of our great country to stand shoulders high in the protection of our Nigerian and African most valued cultures of the institution of marriage”. I have no opinions in this matter only to ask the good archbishop a few questions. Which Nigerian or African values of marriage does he mean? Is it polygamy which upholds a man’s right to multiple (sexual) partners as practiced throughout Africa? Or polyandrous marriages practiced by the Lele people of Congo where a woman could have as many as six (or more) husbands to take care of her and all of whom could have marital relations with her? Or the marriage between older men and prepubescent girls as practiced in many parts of Nigeria and Africa? Or levirate marriage in which the brother of a deceased man is obliged to marry his brother’s widow, and the widow is obliged to marry her deceased husband’s brother as practiced in parts of South Africa, Cameroon, Kenya, Nigeria, South Sudan and Zimbabwe? Or the custom of marriage between two women, one of whom has no child or is seeking a male heir, (whose biological father will likely be a lover of the younger woman) which has been practiced among the Kamba of Kenya, the Basuto of South Africa, the Igbos, Opobos, Ijaws, Igalas, Yagbas and Akokas of Nigeria (to mention just a few)? Or the ghost marriage where when a single man dies, the younger brother of such a man is supposed to marry and have children in the name of the deceased, the wife being married to the deceased socially and the children belonging to the deceased man as practiced in Sudan and among the Zulu and Lozi of Southern Africa? This confuses me. But I know the man of God knows what he is talking about. The spirit has a way of revealing things to these men.

Just this week in a debate with a British consultant and writer who has spent 10 years in Nigeria and is uncircumcised, my circumcision was challenged as being ‘abuse’. So basically this man said that the removal of foreskin from my male organ, as supervised by my parents was a form of torture and abuse perpetrated against my good self. Let me just say that I object vehemently to this and reiterate how proud I am of this good member of mine. And perhaps to add that if I had grown up uncircumcised, I would have taken myself to a hospital. Because I care about how my penis looks. If you have seen a flaccid uncircumcised penis, you will understand.

Ps. I have given it thought and I believe that while male circumcision has its medical benefits, male babies should not be circumcised. (As I think the ears of young girls should not be pierced without their consent). Adult males should have the choice to remove or retain their foreskin.

Elnathan is a writer and lawyer living in Nigeria and article was originally published on On his blog