I have had a great weekend, I won’t lie. Yesterday, I finished reading Sarah Ladipo Manyika’s new novella, Like a Mule Bringing Ice Cream to the sun, for the second time. Fascinating book, I had to read it twice because it is one of those little books that turn out to be dry-meat-that-fills-the-mouth.
I enjoyed reading the book. Immensely. If y’all are nice to me, I will share my notes at some point. Sarah can write, please go and buy that book and enjoy yourself. She is also eclectic and super brilliant and worldly; I have never felt so ajepako and illiterate in a long time.
Speaking about illiterate, y’all should forgive me, I did not know Tiwa Savage, I did not know her; I’d read the name somewhere and I thought she was a man, wetin I sabi. Laugh na, did you know Prince???? Oshi!!! Olodo!!! ????
But people, help me, Tiwa Savage seemed like the name for a man! I think I have to upgrade the quality of my followership on social media, my numerous timelines have been defaced by constant relentless mentions of Tiwa Savage and her husband who goes by the name Teebillz (!!!!!!)
I don’t understand what the issue is, seems like the husband, the great Teebillz is an attention seeking troubled dog who loudly announced his intention to go jump off the one functioning bridge in Lagos that was built by Fashola’s vulcanizer (also his 78 year old brother!) for onle 419 billion dollars! This empty threat delivered through articulate grunts and butt scratching created a furor because Lekki residents don’t like to see blood on their one bridge. They gathered at the KFC in Lekki to protest this outrage and take selfies, chanting ?#?OccupyTiwaSavage?! I agree with the protesters, Na her fault! She doesn’t love her long-suffering husband, does not ask the question, “Have you eaten?” So now, she wants a divorce, who does she think she is? As we say in my village, SMH.
I am proud to say that I watched the great interview where Ms. Tiwa Savage addressed the Nigerian people. That was journalism at its best. That interviewer deserves a medal. I applaud Ms. Savage for addressing the nation to calm Nigerians down as they recover from the trauma of her broken marriage. Now, that is a true leader. Unlike Mazi Buhari is hiding under a mat in Aso Rock refusing to face his responsibilities and address the nation as Fulani herdsmen occupy and rampage much of Nigeria and kill hundreds of innocent Nigerians. Maybe we should make Tiwa Savage president, she certainly looks the part. I can see her with Mrs. Clinton, yes!
And oh yes, I ate a lot yesterday. ML loves me, she does. ML called me from work (she is the main bread winner, I just loiter around the house happily and take out the trash) and uttered the African equivalent of “I love you!” thusly: “You don chop?” Of course, moin moin (she cooked it!) and jollof rice and Fulani beef (she cooked it, and I am not boycotting beef, go away, coward! Wetin malu do you? Oshi!!!).
Right after ML hung up, as I was still basking in the glow of her love, I got a call from the one and onle Professor MMobolaji Aluko thusly; “Ikhide! You don chop???” Knowing what was coming next, I lied and threw ML under the bus, “Ah, The Lord is goo Bolaji my broda, I never chop since morning o, ML left me and went to work and left me without food, why are Nigerian women like this? She has been listening to yeye feminists on Whatsapp!!”
After listening to my side of the story as he always does, he went, “Oya, you too complain, your wife ML is a great woman, meet me at home, we are going out to eat!” I was there in thirty minutes! His house is one hour away from me. Bolaji’s wife, the lovely Remi joined us and we went to this Cuban restaurant like this. Wo, heaven is a Cuban restaurant.
I unbuckled my belt and ate and ate and quaffed Malbec, that great red wine from Argentina. You would be proud of me; I ordered a take away romantic salmon dinner for ML because I knew she would be hungry from all that work at the hospital. When the time came to pay the bill, I suddenly felt a need to go to the bathroom. By the time I returned, Bolaji had paid the bill, I tell you, yesterday was my anointing! So, I have reported myself, if you hear the APC say they paid for dinner for me and ML na lie, Bolaji paid it!
How una dey?
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Ikhide R. Ikheloa is a blogger, social and literary critic who writes non-stop on various online media. He has been published severally in books, journals and online magazines. He was a columnist with Next Newspapers and the Daily Times of Nigeria. With permission from the Author, article culled from his Facebook .
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