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The Covid-19 pandemic has had us reassessing what we thought was the essence of life and living. We pondered on what most defines a life lived; family, religion, work, or relationships?
The isolation period was only 5 weeks long in Nigeria, yet on social media, Nigerians openly discussed how to navigate a post-lockdown era with a high sex drive and undesirable partners or none.
In a so-called conservative country where a woman openly talking about sex without calling it, some supernatural-anointing-of-the-penetration-of-the-holy-ghost was frowned upon, it seemed progressive. Women were openly talking about having post quarantine sex, but to whom will the initial flood of orgasms go?
Nigerian men wondered about this. This brazen openness.
But it was not progressive, neither was it brazen. We talk about sex all the time. Not men, sex! And we definitely talk about the inability of Nigerian men to handle casual sex.
Yes, I said it. Nigerian men are incapable of handling casual sex when it isn’t on their terms.
In anticipation of the “not-all-men” pontification, let me rephrase, many – fine -most, Nigerian men are incapable of casual sex. And every Nigerian woman knows at least one.
“I cannot understand why he calls me in the morning to check up on me, asking about my day”, a friend tells me, amused, as we discuss this. “I shut that down immediately. This is fun but I thought you said you have a fiancée in the UK, haba?!”
Why do we need to call each other about food [the ultimate Nigerian love language], banter about your future or even discuss your relationship?
Then, the lies, unnecessary ones need I add. Breaking news: You are not required to lie in a casual sexationship, Seun! You owe me nothing. Whew!
It is known that casual sex is categorized. So, my proud Nigerian men, you may yet find redemption.
The “Sex with no strings attached” attached category – this is the zero-commitment sex, the most casual of casual sex.
Next category, “Friends with benefits” – the most popular category amongst Nigerian millennials of all ages, then the third,
“Sex with an ex” – this category is as messy as it sounds.
The Nigerian male records a major failure in category A: sex with no strings attached.
The problem is they claim not to want ‘strings‘ but then, they want the benefits of the ‘strings‘.
Nigerian boy meets girl. They have sex. Mind-blowing sex. He did not feel pressure to perform at all. By morning it is over, everyone goes back to work. He waits, but there is no call to “check up on him” or to “ask if he’s eaten”, nothing. Silence. So, he calls and will not stop calling.
To properly grasp this, you have to understand the nature of heterosexual relationships in Nigeria. The Nigerian male determines the status of the relationship. It is either casual or committed when he says it is. He is familiar with women needing him and finding security in marriage and commitment knowing full well it is his to give or withhold.
He is accustomed to women saying they also want something casual though secretly wanting more. Which leaves him unprepared for a woman who wants nothing but his penis and company on some nights.
He begins fashioning it into something more than it is because that is what he understands. It is unbearable not to be pursued or wanted so he does the pursuing.
“We meet after work most days at his place, this is Lagos, traffic is an exhausting experience, says Judith, we have sex as I wait out the traffic. He says he is getting married to his girlfriend soon. I tell him it’s fine. It’s over when it’s over. Now, he keeps calling me asking me to take him back. Boy, I never had you in the first place.”
You see, the ratio of female to male labour participation rate in Nigeria is projected at 84.82 % according to the World Bank collection of development indicators for 2019. Simply put, for every 10 persons with jobs in this country, 8 are women; and the more women earn the more we assert our sexual independence.
What this translates to, is that more women are setting the terms for their relationships. They decide where they want it to go.
As another lockdown looms (the premature lifting of restrictions proving such a massive failure) more Nigerian women will desire casual hookups for as long as they choose.
Don’t get your Hope’s up, you are not the one she would be quarantining with.
Because when she calls it casual, she means that exact word.
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